I love being an expat. I admit every now and then there are things I sincerely miss from the west. There are also times (which I have amply described) when I would like to go gangster on people here. It's not as bad as people think. I would just like to take out a building maybe, and then get on with my life.
The one thing I crave as much as a prosthetic or a third Bush term is the systematic dumbing down of our nation, brought to you by yours truly, the American Media. Yes, I know there will be people who rightly argue about Al Jazeera and flaws in government elsewhere (including here) such as monarchies, sultans, dictatorships, and I can comfortably agree with all of these. I still claim that nothing, not a triple scotch or a bong with a pipe the length of a garden hose, will blast points off your IQ quicker than our press. I have a few headlines, pardon, 'headlines' that will make you wonder what the brain matter of some editors consists of.
-Garner named West Virginian of the Year
Yep, we're talking about Ben Affleck's better half here. It's not so much our continuing obsession with celebrities that bothers me here, even though that is another prime example not to return to the States. It's West Virginia. Wait a minute, is the press telling me that the Rhode Islander of the year was not available? Delaware? All right, all right, for the sake of size, how about Mississippi? Again, a typical non-article clogging up my screen.
-World's oldest orangutan dies at age 55
Uh-huh, impressive. The story about AIDS deaths and species who have gone the way of the dinosaurs didn't make it. I am sure 55 is a great age for any ape. It's also a complete waste of space and time. Since we have to make people immune to deaths of their own species, we have to let them open their traps and go wooooooooooooooow!!!!! at a monkey's death. Bury the editor next to the orangutan, I say. I might have read the article if it had been the last Orangutan on earth.
-Woman loses ring in fudge, gets it back
Important, because we can't learn about global warming or contemplate a world without war without reading about rings lost in fudge. How about a twist to the story, that the lady actually ate the ring in the fudge, complete with the ensuing battle to retrieve the ring once it completed its logical cycle through the small intestine? How to differentiate here between fudge and feces? Again, I am not sure. Curse on me then for not reading the story and thus the message between the lines that losing a ring in fudge might actually save my life.
-New York City's famed carriage horses may soon disappear
Another story to be filed under the category 'stories featuring animals'. We can all relate to horses, whether it's some freckled kid in the Kentucky backwoods, or the guy plunking down his kid's college fund at Hollywood Park. I am sure tourists will now seek out the Empire State Building, jump and go splat on 34th Street now that the carriage horses are no more. Of course I didn't read the story, so I probably missed the essential part that horseshit on New York City's streets helps neutralize the potholes. Uh, not likely. What is likely is that this story is just horseshit, period.
-Prison inmates dislike unstylish pajamas
Unstylish pajamas? You mean this will be a complete turn-off for inmate sex? What happened, did they ditch the sexy, vertical stripes for the horizontal stripes that will make any prisoner look like he'd been on a month-long eating binge? Will this prevent actual civil unions from happening or increase the number of gang rapes in prison? I will never know, because I can't read stories like this, perhaps out of fear that I might pay a visit to the editor, share a hearty chuckle with him over the story, blow his head off, and then go to prison myself.
-Snake saved after eating golf balls
I don't think people were rooting for the snake. I think that people, especially yuppies, wanted the snake to die as the reptile had no right to encroach on their raison d'etre. Better yet, I bet that golfers lined up with their drivers to take whacks at the reptile's bulging midsection to avoid a drop. It probably gave them a better excuse than the 'my dog ate my homework' explanation. You know, a snake ate my golfball.
Yes, I know I am a bit of a grouch about these stories, that I can't even read funny and twisted stories. I can, believe me. I just don't think they should gobble up the amount of space they do in the mainstream media. I could go on and on here, but I think CNN and other bordelles housing similar media whores don't need that publicity.
The one thing I crave as much as a prosthetic or a third Bush term is the systematic dumbing down of our nation, brought to you by yours truly, the American Media. Yes, I know there will be people who rightly argue about Al Jazeera and flaws in government elsewhere (including here) such as monarchies, sultans, dictatorships, and I can comfortably agree with all of these. I still claim that nothing, not a triple scotch or a bong with a pipe the length of a garden hose, will blast points off your IQ quicker than our press. I have a few headlines, pardon, 'headlines' that will make you wonder what the brain matter of some editors consists of.
-Garner named West Virginian of the Year
Yep, we're talking about Ben Affleck's better half here. It's not so much our continuing obsession with celebrities that bothers me here, even though that is another prime example not to return to the States. It's West Virginia. Wait a minute, is the press telling me that the Rhode Islander of the year was not available? Delaware? All right, all right, for the sake of size, how about Mississippi? Again, a typical non-article clogging up my screen.
-World's oldest orangutan dies at age 55
Uh-huh, impressive. The story about AIDS deaths and species who have gone the way of the dinosaurs didn't make it. I am sure 55 is a great age for any ape. It's also a complete waste of space and time. Since we have to make people immune to deaths of their own species, we have to let them open their traps and go wooooooooooooooow!!!!! at a monkey's death. Bury the editor next to the orangutan, I say. I might have read the article if it had been the last Orangutan on earth.
-Woman loses ring in fudge, gets it back
Important, because we can't learn about global warming or contemplate a world without war without reading about rings lost in fudge. How about a twist to the story, that the lady actually ate the ring in the fudge, complete with the ensuing battle to retrieve the ring once it completed its logical cycle through the small intestine? How to differentiate here between fudge and feces? Again, I am not sure. Curse on me then for not reading the story and thus the message between the lines that losing a ring in fudge might actually save my life.
-New York City's famed carriage horses may soon disappear
Another story to be filed under the category 'stories featuring animals'. We can all relate to horses, whether it's some freckled kid in the Kentucky backwoods, or the guy plunking down his kid's college fund at Hollywood Park. I am sure tourists will now seek out the Empire State Building, jump and go splat on 34th Street now that the carriage horses are no more. Of course I didn't read the story, so I probably missed the essential part that horseshit on New York City's streets helps neutralize the potholes. Uh, not likely. What is likely is that this story is just horseshit, period.
-Prison inmates dislike unstylish pajamas
Unstylish pajamas? You mean this will be a complete turn-off for inmate sex? What happened, did they ditch the sexy, vertical stripes for the horizontal stripes that will make any prisoner look like he'd been on a month-long eating binge? Will this prevent actual civil unions from happening or increase the number of gang rapes in prison? I will never know, because I can't read stories like this, perhaps out of fear that I might pay a visit to the editor, share a hearty chuckle with him over the story, blow his head off, and then go to prison myself.
-Snake saved after eating golf balls
I don't think people were rooting for the snake. I think that people, especially yuppies, wanted the snake to die as the reptile had no right to encroach on their raison d'etre. Better yet, I bet that golfers lined up with their drivers to take whacks at the reptile's bulging midsection to avoid a drop. It probably gave them a better excuse than the 'my dog ate my homework' explanation. You know, a snake ate my golfball.
Yes, I know I am a bit of a grouch about these stories, that I can't even read funny and twisted stories. I can, believe me. I just don't think they should gobble up the amount of space they do in the mainstream media. I could go on and on here, but I think CNN and other bordelles housing similar media whores don't need that publicity.
0 comments