Worse than Sesame Street
Progress, I am sure we agree, is a fact of life. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.
I am sure that not many of us miss rotary phones. The cell phones of the 80's don't compare to the ones they make today. In twenty years, they will probably have created a Swiss army knife cell phone. Press a button, and out comes a blade. Presto, you can shave. Press another button, and out comes a can opener. Another, a pen. The deluxe version will probably have a miniature pistol that could wipe out an entire office. Cars are another good example. My father, a former mechanic, loves cars, but doesn't miss the double-clutch, steers-harder-than-a-bus-stuck-in-fresh-cement models.
Although some people might argue differently, TV too has improved. Sometimes I look at a re-run of some drama from the 80's, say Magnum or Simon and Simon, and I am thinking. Damn! And I used to watch this stuff? Wear those shorts? Cut my hair like that? Unless you're the Taliban steadfastly clinging to your caves and ranking your women slightly beneath your goats, you know what I am talking about when I use the word progress.
But then there's AFN (Armed Forces Network) television.
Don't get me wrong, AFN has come a long way. Back in the 80's, we had a grand total of one channel that made up AFN television. Even so, it was still good enough to watch Saturday Night Live or the Super Bowl. Today, there are something like a dozen channels. All right, so the Pentagon Channel is as desirable as sending your kids to Neverland Ranch, but my wife and I actually have options today. Hollywood gossip on one channel, ESPN on another, game shows, talk shows, movies... not bad at all. Granted, it's not Cox Cable, but it's as good as it gets for any expat. Even though I rarely watch TV, it's good to know I can go channel surfing once I do pick up the remote. Except that one thing has not changed at all.
The commercials, better known as infomercials.
Oh boy, I have never seen anything worse hit the airwaves, and I am even including the old Flash Gordon series or anything from the Shopping Channel. People who have never watched AFN should never start, unless you're really fed up with all of those Cialis, McDonald's, and Domino's ads clogging the airwaves before doing the same to your arteries.
The alternative, you will find out, is even less palatable. You see, AFN doesn't rely on big corporations for survival. In its place, you will find plenty of low-budget, hair-raising, blood-curdling infomercials with a content equivalent to the nutritional value of rubber tires.
Twenty years ago, you would have some jackass soldier telling you about common sense and operational security. With a straight face, a soldier of any given rank would warn you not to smoke, not to drink, not to breathe, whatever. It hasn't changed. Sure, the technology has, so you might find the captions on your screen jump up and down and explode. Some dorky looking Private might talk to you through his braces about the War on Terror in a perfect computerized Arnold Schwarzenegger tough-guy voice. Those body bags they refuse journalists to film by now might have become distorted until they appear like little purple Barney dinosaurs acceptable to any family-friendly audience.
But some things don't change, and it's the ideas. There is one infomercial warning the troops about Operational Security (OPSEC), meaning you should always watch what you say about your plans to deploy, travel, shop, brush your teeth, etc., because the enemy may be watching and/or listening. Fair enough. But to illustrate this, they use a mouse to walk down what appears to be your typical neighborhood street in the heart of Suburbia. Watching it with cardboard binoculars is a cat lying in wait for it. Unbeknownst to the mouse, the cat only moments later slides a mousetrap into the picture, conceivably to trap our little rodent friend. The message, naturally, is beware, don't get trapped. But a cat using a mousetrap to catch a mouse? Honest to God. They have been catching mice since their very existence started. Displaying a cat attempting to catch a mouse with a mousetrap is like asking a goat to eat grass with utensils. Just plain silly. The combined cast of Sesame Street has a combined higher IQ than the staff concocting these genius infomercials somewhere in their bunkers.
But wait! There's less. Another favorite is one that features this black screen, some words appearing moments later as if in a dialogue, and before you know it, it's God himself speaking! Call me, I will wipe your slate clean. Drum roll, drum roll... a few seconds pause... Signed, GOD. Again, there's nothing wrong with assisting the soldiers with their spiritual health. The problem I see is that the letter font used for these messages is something I would expect to see as the opening credits for Tails from the Crypt or some other creepy ghoul TV series. In the background, they also play music. Not the positive vibes of a pan flute or the sweet waves of a Sonata to put the viewer at ease, but an abrupt, deep, menacing beat coming from a synthesizer. Great, now God has teamed up with the Military to totally creep me out. Well done, AFN. Nobody could create atheists any better.
Finally, there is this kids' baseball team warning about drug use. JUST SAY NO is the old phrase being rehashed here. Nothing really wrong with that, except that these teenager kids have a median weight of over two hundred pounds. Nice try, AFN. How about saying no to butter flavored toothpaste? To deep-fried coke? To dessert? To seconds? Better yet, why not just have a junkie, needle still fresh in his arm, warn about the dangers of peer pressure?
Whenever they create that device that totally wipes out commercials, I will be one of the first to stand in line for it. Of course I am sure it's already been created dozens of times, but then again I bet the GM's and the Pfizers and maybe even the military have teamed up to buy out the inventor (or boil him in oil as a safe alternative) and blow the existing patents into orbit. Until one of these inventions slips through the cracks it will be death, taxes, and AFN infomercials.
I am sure that not many of us miss rotary phones. The cell phones of the 80's don't compare to the ones they make today. In twenty years, they will probably have created a Swiss army knife cell phone. Press a button, and out comes a blade. Presto, you can shave. Press another button, and out comes a can opener. Another, a pen. The deluxe version will probably have a miniature pistol that could wipe out an entire office. Cars are another good example. My father, a former mechanic, loves cars, but doesn't miss the double-clutch, steers-harder-than-a-bus-stuck-in-fresh-cement models.
Although some people might argue differently, TV too has improved. Sometimes I look at a re-run of some drama from the 80's, say Magnum or Simon and Simon, and I am thinking. Damn! And I used to watch this stuff? Wear those shorts? Cut my hair like that? Unless you're the Taliban steadfastly clinging to your caves and ranking your women slightly beneath your goats, you know what I am talking about when I use the word progress.
But then there's AFN (Armed Forces Network) television.
Don't get me wrong, AFN has come a long way. Back in the 80's, we had a grand total of one channel that made up AFN television. Even so, it was still good enough to watch Saturday Night Live or the Super Bowl. Today, there are something like a dozen channels. All right, so the Pentagon Channel is as desirable as sending your kids to Neverland Ranch, but my wife and I actually have options today. Hollywood gossip on one channel, ESPN on another, game shows, talk shows, movies... not bad at all. Granted, it's not Cox Cable, but it's as good as it gets for any expat. Even though I rarely watch TV, it's good to know I can go channel surfing once I do pick up the remote. Except that one thing has not changed at all.
The commercials, better known as infomercials.
Oh boy, I have never seen anything worse hit the airwaves, and I am even including the old Flash Gordon series or anything from the Shopping Channel. People who have never watched AFN should never start, unless you're really fed up with all of those Cialis, McDonald's, and Domino's ads clogging the airwaves before doing the same to your arteries.
The alternative, you will find out, is even less palatable. You see, AFN doesn't rely on big corporations for survival. In its place, you will find plenty of low-budget, hair-raising, blood-curdling infomercials with a content equivalent to the nutritional value of rubber tires.
Twenty years ago, you would have some jackass soldier telling you about common sense and operational security. With a straight face, a soldier of any given rank would warn you not to smoke, not to drink, not to breathe, whatever. It hasn't changed. Sure, the technology has, so you might find the captions on your screen jump up and down and explode. Some dorky looking Private might talk to you through his braces about the War on Terror in a perfect computerized Arnold Schwarzenegger tough-guy voice. Those body bags they refuse journalists to film by now might have become distorted until they appear like little purple Barney dinosaurs acceptable to any family-friendly audience.
But some things don't change, and it's the ideas. There is one infomercial warning the troops about Operational Security (OPSEC), meaning you should always watch what you say about your plans to deploy, travel, shop, brush your teeth, etc., because the enemy may be watching and/or listening. Fair enough. But to illustrate this, they use a mouse to walk down what appears to be your typical neighborhood street in the heart of Suburbia. Watching it with cardboard binoculars is a cat lying in wait for it. Unbeknownst to the mouse, the cat only moments later slides a mousetrap into the picture, conceivably to trap our little rodent friend. The message, naturally, is beware, don't get trapped. But a cat using a mousetrap to catch a mouse? Honest to God. They have been catching mice since their very existence started. Displaying a cat attempting to catch a mouse with a mousetrap is like asking a goat to eat grass with utensils. Just plain silly. The combined cast of Sesame Street has a combined higher IQ than the staff concocting these genius infomercials somewhere in their bunkers.
But wait! There's less. Another favorite is one that features this black screen, some words appearing moments later as if in a dialogue, and before you know it, it's God himself speaking! Call me, I will wipe your slate clean. Drum roll, drum roll... a few seconds pause... Signed, GOD. Again, there's nothing wrong with assisting the soldiers with their spiritual health. The problem I see is that the letter font used for these messages is something I would expect to see as the opening credits for Tails from the Crypt or some other creepy ghoul TV series. In the background, they also play music. Not the positive vibes of a pan flute or the sweet waves of a Sonata to put the viewer at ease, but an abrupt, deep, menacing beat coming from a synthesizer. Great, now God has teamed up with the Military to totally creep me out. Well done, AFN. Nobody could create atheists any better.
Finally, there is this kids' baseball team warning about drug use. JUST SAY NO is the old phrase being rehashed here. Nothing really wrong with that, except that these teenager kids have a median weight of over two hundred pounds. Nice try, AFN. How about saying no to butter flavored toothpaste? To deep-fried coke? To dessert? To seconds? Better yet, why not just have a junkie, needle still fresh in his arm, warn about the dangers of peer pressure?
Whenever they create that device that totally wipes out commercials, I will be one of the first to stand in line for it. Of course I am sure it's already been created dozens of times, but then again I bet the GM's and the Pfizers and maybe even the military have teamed up to buy out the inventor (or boil him in oil as a safe alternative) and blow the existing patents into orbit. Until one of these inventions slips through the cracks it will be death, taxes, and AFN infomercials.
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