Have you ever read the latest studies competing with the third Britney Spears rehab and the latest bank robber for the headlines? 

I am interested in studies. Do you think Edison would have invented the light bulb without them? Do you think Daimler and Benz decided one fine day to cut up a metal box and put it on a set of wheels and an engine with their fingers crossed? Why is it you don’t see the lawyer, the doctor, the corn-fed girl next door, and the cuddly cat smoking on TV anymore? Don’t you think they would still be on if we had not deducted that cigarettes do not cure the common cold or strengthen your bones? 

I understand there are billions of dollars that are poured into studies. And I am just as positive that billions are wasted. But don’t take my word for it. Here are some of the aha! moments in today’s news that might just raise a few eyebrows. But only if you were born with the logic of brick.


Obese kids face more complications during surgery, study shows

Never would have believed it. You would think that the excess fat would actually stop those knives from reaching the organs, thus avoiding costly malpractice suits.


Condoms highly effective against HPV, Study shows

HPV, the Human Papilloma Virus would be –yep, you guessed it – a sexually transmitted disease. What other methods did these geniuses discover? You mean the pill is the only thing that can stop you from having a baby? What happened to the old boiled chicken claws and the onion chains around your neck? And, is there another way to stop HPV? I’d love to read about it.


Cigarettes cut about 10 Years off Life, 50-Year Study Shows

I feel cheated. I was always led to believe that cigarettes had Vitamin C and prevented STD’s. And 10 years, eh? That means you’ll spend ten years in a nursing home instead of twenty.


The Rich die differently from you and me, Study Shows

Easily the worst study. You mean they can afford that excess opium and heroin flown in from Afghanistan while others must settle for the stretched street muck? Darn. And I always thought that the only perk of being rich was being able to afford better lawyers to keep them out of jail. Needless to say, these people will not have to spend any time in a nursing home, not if the kids don't won't to be cut out of their parents' will.


Study shows TV news too often distorts reality

Uh-huh. Who would have thought? Guess who owns TV stations? How about the demographic group mentioned in the last headline? Another good thing about being rich is the ability to create any news you want. Just ask Rupert Murdoch and any jackass watching Fox News out there.


Study shows a significant increase in sexual content on TV

What was this, an elementary school project? To the kids in charge of this project, I hate to break it to you, but sex has always sold. A few years down the road, when you discover that that thing between your legs does more than christen latrines, you’ll see what I mean. Sometimes I wish sex didn’t sell, believe me. It would actually look kinda funny to watch Madonna or Britney Spears try and make it on talent.


Study shows car safety improving

You’re kidding. You mean I can’t have a retro model without seat belts and airbags? The hell with that. Those extra features were only designed to jack up the prices.


Blacks say they're worse off than 5 years ago, study shows

Now this may be just me, but I get the creepy feeling that the same may be true for whites, Hispanics, inflatable dolls, and dogs. Damn me. I always thought W was Mr. Black President.


Eating fast food often does supersize you

C’mon, deep fried foods actually save your life and prevent angioplasty, don’t they? The thing that surprises me here is the ‘often’ part. Other than that, I am sure this study might come in handy for those who have always been convinced that Big Macs and fries set hormones free in your body that make you look like the human answer to a mannequin (or an inflatable doll, for the perverts out there).


Study shows Programs can teach Children to eat healthier

Again, call me Mr. Duh. I always thought that kids craved carrots and green beans the moment they popped out. Maybe they did. But that was before TV and sugar.


And the most remarkable study is…drum roll…

Study shows smoking lowers risk for rare breast cancer

Brought to you by your friends of the tobacco industry, no doubt. And make sure it’s a Marlboro.