Armed Forces Network, take two
I wish I didn't have to waste any precious space on this topic yet again, but AFN is making this choice rather easy for me. And as long as AFN insists on hiring third graders to run their advertisement campaigns, I will continue to report about their third grade products.
Not surprisingly, some of the commericials I wrote about in my last related blog ('Worse than Sesame Street') are still airing. So the cat is still trying to catch the mouse with a mousetrap, the All-Star Fat Boys are still lecturing kids on drug use while continuing their own quest for Diabetes and Heart Disease, and God is still trying his darnest to turn me into the anti-christ.
If it were only that then I could just continue to yawn, pick my nose, and eat my nachos. Nobody wants to see the same commercial ad nauseum. I also realize that you can make a solid case that some people don't want to see commercials, period. I can almost promise you, though, that anybody would prefer cigarette and booze commercials from the 50's, in black and white, complete with celebrity spokesmen, to being exposed to any AFN infomercials.
First off, this new infomercial again concerns our friends, Mouse and Cat. This time Mouse has a friend. Mouse is chatting with Rabbit over the internet about where they should meet and celebrate a bitchin' rodent party. Enter Cat, the hacker, who is pounding away at his keyboard to ensure that none of this information is lost, since his natural tools of predation, the whiskers, claws, and fangs have - again - mysteriously deserted him. Funny that all animals are communicating in English. I thought at least the official language of all cats was German?
Of course, the God messages aren't getting any more reassuring, either. Along with even creepier background music (something bordering on trash metal), the messages now read like this:
Tell your Children you love them...
And that I love them too!
GOD
When you get married...
Please include me in the wedding!
GOD
These messages have even less credibility than a televangelist with a condom sticking out of his backpocket. And so the mission to convert service members to atheism continues.
Then there is Wrestling Champ John Cena imploring service members to use common sense. His first words are: "I am serious about what I do." After this the focus shifts to John Cena smashing a chair over another steroid-bloated opponent. Right, John. Professional Wrestling is serious. At any moment during the commercial, I expect a midget to pop out of the background screen and confetti and balloons to fly. Maybe a used car dealer can make a pitch while John Cena is trying to keep himself from busting up.
Of course, I can't forget AFN and its concept of name recognition. In a more recent infomercial, the Navy decided it would be a good idea for a couple of senior officers, an Admiral and a Captain, to give the sailors some pointers about waste management. The Captain's name was Floyd Hehe, pronounced hihi. I am not making this up. What's even funnier is the Admiral puffing out his chest with the words, "Great tips, Captain!" Not exactly as inspiring as Batman and Robin, which is even disappointing for third graders, since they are the ones creating the commercials. Captain Hehe. Love it.
Finally, the ultimate faux pas is committed with the infomercial featuring two chimps sitting on a branch, bored with life. Supposedly these are two troops wondering what to do with their time. I got it! exclaims Chimp 1. Let's go to armygermany.com. Not a very clever analogy, even by elementary school standards. Most enlisted men don't have the reputation of being Edisons and Einsteins to begin with. Depicting them as apes will make service members want to voluntarily knock off a few points of their IQ.
Something tells me there will be another part in this series. But that's all right. A spade is a spade, a rose is a rose is a rose, and a bonehead is a bonehead. Again, let elementary schoolers run the show, and you get elementary school results. Then again, the military was never really that high on logic. Join at 18, vote at 18, get killed at eighteen, but your corpse will still have to rot for three years before it can drink a glass of beer. Support the draft dodger over the war hero in the next election. Whatever you say, Gomers. I would also like to apologize to all third graders who arguably don't deserve being compared to something as hideous as military PR.
Not surprisingly, some of the commericials I wrote about in my last related blog ('Worse than Sesame Street') are still airing. So the cat is still trying to catch the mouse with a mousetrap, the All-Star Fat Boys are still lecturing kids on drug use while continuing their own quest for Diabetes and Heart Disease, and God is still trying his darnest to turn me into the anti-christ.
If it were only that then I could just continue to yawn, pick my nose, and eat my nachos. Nobody wants to see the same commercial ad nauseum. I also realize that you can make a solid case that some people don't want to see commercials, period. I can almost promise you, though, that anybody would prefer cigarette and booze commercials from the 50's, in black and white, complete with celebrity spokesmen, to being exposed to any AFN infomercials.
First off, this new infomercial again concerns our friends, Mouse and Cat. This time Mouse has a friend. Mouse is chatting with Rabbit over the internet about where they should meet and celebrate a bitchin' rodent party. Enter Cat, the hacker, who is pounding away at his keyboard to ensure that none of this information is lost, since his natural tools of predation, the whiskers, claws, and fangs have - again - mysteriously deserted him. Funny that all animals are communicating in English. I thought at least the official language of all cats was German?
Of course, the God messages aren't getting any more reassuring, either. Along with even creepier background music (something bordering on trash metal), the messages now read like this:
Tell your Children you love them...
And that I love them too!
GOD
When you get married...
Please include me in the wedding!
GOD
These messages have even less credibility than a televangelist with a condom sticking out of his backpocket. And so the mission to convert service members to atheism continues.
Then there is Wrestling Champ John Cena imploring service members to use common sense. His first words are: "I am serious about what I do." After this the focus shifts to John Cena smashing a chair over another steroid-bloated opponent. Right, John. Professional Wrestling is serious. At any moment during the commercial, I expect a midget to pop out of the background screen and confetti and balloons to fly. Maybe a used car dealer can make a pitch while John Cena is trying to keep himself from busting up.
Of course, I can't forget AFN and its concept of name recognition. In a more recent infomercial, the Navy decided it would be a good idea for a couple of senior officers, an Admiral and a Captain, to give the sailors some pointers about waste management. The Captain's name was Floyd Hehe, pronounced hihi. I am not making this up. What's even funnier is the Admiral puffing out his chest with the words, "Great tips, Captain!" Not exactly as inspiring as Batman and Robin, which is even disappointing for third graders, since they are the ones creating the commercials. Captain Hehe. Love it.
Finally, the ultimate faux pas is committed with the infomercial featuring two chimps sitting on a branch, bored with life. Supposedly these are two troops wondering what to do with their time. I got it! exclaims Chimp 1. Let's go to armygermany.com. Not a very clever analogy, even by elementary school standards. Most enlisted men don't have the reputation of being Edisons and Einsteins to begin with. Depicting them as apes will make service members want to voluntarily knock off a few points of their IQ.
Something tells me there will be another part in this series. But that's all right. A spade is a spade, a rose is a rose is a rose, and a bonehead is a bonehead. Again, let elementary schoolers run the show, and you get elementary school results. Then again, the military was never really that high on logic. Join at 18, vote at 18, get killed at eighteen, but your corpse will still have to rot for three years before it can drink a glass of beer. Support the draft dodger over the war hero in the next election. Whatever you say, Gomers. I would also like to apologize to all third graders who arguably don't deserve being compared to something as hideous as military PR.
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