World Chump - Wanderlust

Before we embark on our trip to Scotland, I check the weather there. I see clouds and a few drops, temperatures in the 50's. Hmmm, I'm thinking, I might just be spending my vacation in a colder place than the one I am in right now, Germany. 

As we hop on the U-Bahn and later the S-Bahn to Rhein-Main International Airport in Frankfurt, the passengers are wondering why this guy is wearing a leather jacket on this perfectly warm day. I take the jacket off at the Hauptwache, stuff it in my backpack. There's no room for the jacket in the suitcase anymore; I made a decision, and I will have to live with it. It's the right decision, too, as time will confirm.

The Lufthansa flight from Frankfurt to Glasgow is a little more than one and a half hours, but that's Europe for you. Any destination is quickly within reach, especially from a major hub like Frankfurt. I read a book, have hardly completed ten pages when I look up and see the coastline beneath me. That would be The North Sea. We're already halfway there. Europe, man.

It's another few pages before the captain announces that we're starting to land, while the flight attendants hand out the entry forms we need to fill out. I look over the landscape and then the buildings as we approach. There's Glasgow. Right, there you go, people drive on the left side. This doesn't scare me, being that we have lived in two countries where this has been the case, among them Tanzania, where you not only had to drive on the opposite side, but with a bona fide obstacle course ahead of you with potholes and floodings and people who have just had their driver's licenses donated to them by their next of kin with no qualifications needed.

At the airport itself, I am greeted by a billboard featuring an army of Scotch bottles. Lovely, I'm thinking, what a way to make me feel at home. The immigration official who gathers our forms takes one look at Bash and asks him, "Ur yi hees fir rity ritty rit?" I am not kidding. Replace what I just wrote with Chinese signs, Sanskrit, or the Swedish cook from the Muppet Show, and you'll get the idea. In short, I have no clue what the man just said. People allegedly speak English here, but it might just be the Glaswegian (referring to Glasgow) twang I can't pick up. I didn't expect a Sir Walter Scott clone, but I was confident I understood the Scottish version of English until now. 

Next, we're off to the rental car company. Right then and there, we realize we made a mistake with this company. Not only have we never heard of it before, but the insurance we purchased online is invalid, as is our entire reservation. Okay, then. What else can you guys (not) do for the customer? 

But wait! There's less! So the contract states that the car is to be returned virtually on an empty tank. So that's how these people make money, we're thinking. Of course, Mr. Tourist returns the car with a quarter or half tank, and the company pockets (or more likely siphons off) the difference. Liebi and I decide these thugs will not get one drop of gasoline from us. If there is still any fuel left in the tank when we get back, we'll do donuts in the parking lot before handing the vehicle back with any fuel left.

We get a French car, a Citroen, with a stick shift. Love it. I like the handling of a vehicle with a stick shift, you don't have to abuse the brakes as much. So our first trip in Scotland...is to get some fuel first (thanks to the rental car company), see above. We get some gas, and then we're off for good...into a traffic jam for miles on the motorway leaving Glasgow. Great way to break in the stick shift. Welcome to Scotland, worldchump.

Every city has it. It's the one place where everything comes together, the bullseye, the middle of the spider web, the engine room. This is where the streets merge together, the train tracks cross, the newbies in town meet. It's New York's Time Square. It's the Piazza San Marco in Venice. Trafalgar Square in London. Tiananmen Square in Beijing.

Here in Frankfurt it's the Hauptwache, former site of the militia in the 18th century that was formed to defend the city. The Hauptwache building (translated: the main guard) still exists in the heart of downtown Frankfurt, a baroque building that survived the war and is now home to snack bars and a cafe, in addition to, true to form and tradition, a police station. It literally pales in comparison to the more modern, higher buildings surrounding it, among them a Kaufhof shopping center, a church (the St. Katharinenkirche) and dozens of modern highrises. Everything that is worth mentioning or a conglomerate of the who's who in business can be found in the area. The DAX, the German stock exchange, is nearby, as is the Goethestrasse, also known as the Boardwalk and Madison Avenue of Frankfurt. The area is inundated with merchants during the Christmas season and Frankfurt's Christmas market.

Even so, as busy as the action is above ground, there might be even more business underground or in The Hole (das Loch), as the locals call it. This is where all U-Bahns, or subway lines, come together. This is where you can catch an S-Bahn (Schnell Bahn, or fast train, mostly underground) to anywhere in the city and beyond. There are not many lines in Frankfurt that don't stop at the Hauptwache. This is where you'll find the most people in town racing up the stairs and even occasionally up the escalators. It's a favorite among the homeless, but also a favorite among shoppers and foodies. There's your KFC and Pizza Hut, your bakeries and cafes, but also a vegan restaurant with the colorful name of Che Vegara. The rent for the relatively small spaces is incredibly high, starting from 3,000 Euros for 30 square meters. This explains partially why not all of the rental spaces are occupied. At the Hauptwache, you need a good business with a good business plan.

Even with its significance for public transportation, the Hauptwache has long been known for its extracurricular activities, those designed to give the local commuter a break from the constant rush within the city. This is where you find the amateur musicians, the tobacco shops, the offices that sell tickets for your event of choice. The problem with their business? Ironically, it's the people (most of them) who usually don't have the time to linger.

Many of the locals complain about the lack of hygiene or oversight by local law enforcement (more irony, remember the police station just above ground), which discourages any serious business transactions. Looking at the place can be intimidating, the way you watch a well-organized army of ants. I can't judge the place - personally, I've always appreciated it. The Hauptwache still is, for better or worse, the heartbeat of Frankfurt, even though locals claim it may be in need of the occasional defribillator.

This can be listed under 'day trips' for the casual traveler stopping in Frankfurt and with 12-24 hours to spare...and of course somebody who is looking for a slice of German life outside of Germany's most important city.

Try Marburg, then, a town in northern Hessen. First, take a regional express train from Frankfurt, which should take an hour, give or take. Marburg itself admittedly doesn't look like much when you coast into the train station. That part of town looks a little run down for my taste, so you will have to walk a little along the Bahnhofstrasse and endure the run-of-the-mill corporate shops you'll find in any German town. 

The funny thing about Marburg is that you get to cross the river running through it, the Lahn, twice, within two blocks, which is good timing, because for a moment you are wondering just what it is exactly you're doing in this town and what purpose your visit serves. 

Patience. Next, hang a left on Wehrdaer Weg. There's the church, the Elisabethkirche, now we're talking. Built in the 13th century, this protestant church has a long history of serving as a place of pilgrimage, but also a cradle of elaborate artwork. Also, just take the time and look at the handiwork performed at the main entrance. Isn't this what people come to Europe for?

It's almost blasphemy that I should dedicate only one paragraph to one of the finest churches in Hessen, but you need to remember that we still have the rest of the city to cover, and only half a page (whereas the visitor has the equivalent, as in a half day) to do it. From the Elisabethkirche, head south toward the Steinweg, a steep road that takes you past all the artisan shops and restaurants until you reach the 11th-century castle itself. This is the most prominent building in all of Marburg, easily visible from everywhere in town. 

If castles and fortresses are not your thing, just walk along the Steinweg of the Neustadt, the new city, and admire the old architecture, the iron horse heads sticking out of the walls, and the copplestone street that narrows the further you walk up the hill. I walked as far as the Konrad-Adenauer-Straße, and took the path along the Lahn river back to the Bahnhof. 

Do the math: two hours for the train, two more for the walking, two for the sites, plus a leisurely lunch or dinner. That's a good half day spent right there, no car needed. By now, you realize that the possibilities are endless in the Frankfurt region. There are many spots to hit (and counting!) and only so much time. Marburg is as good a destination as any in Germany for people just looking for something typically German...but would rather avoid the tourism and the circus that go with it.

Sometimes you can have it so easy in Germany. You drive to a popular destination like Freiburg, take in the sites, and tear up the autobahn on your way home.

Luckily, easy is not always an option. On our way home, we opt for a more scenic route, this one through the region just east of Freiburg along Highway or Bundesstrasse 500. We actually have a few destinations in mind, among them Liebi's never-ending quest to acquire a handcrafted cuckoo clock.

As far as landscapes go in Germany, it doesn't get better than the south, more specifically the states of Bayern and Baden Württemberg. I suppose it helps that they are located directly at the doorstep of the Alps, which makes their countryside by default more hilly and lacking the flatlands the north is more known for. But cheer up, northerners, remember that you still have a coast up there.

The 500 zigs and zags through Swabian small towns, past rolling hills, cascading brooks and Tudor houses with colorful window shutters. There is Schönwald, next comes Schonach, home of several Olympic gold medal winners (in biathlon, I think). In Schonach we have the finest German lunch buffet I've ever seen (and at seven euros a head a real bargain, I might add) that has very tasty salad and schnitzel options.

In Schonach we visit "the world's first biggest cuckoo clock", which I assume means that at some point this fine piece of work must have made it to the Guinness Book of World Records as the biggest clock of its kind. It's impressive to see the machinations up close, with all gear wheels made of wood instead of metal. The bird itself is probably the size of a cat when it comes out, and the noise is powered by air manipulation, meaning there are two air pumps inside the clock that simulate what could pass for the sound of a cuckoo.

Liebi will not be denied and examines a few cuckoo clocks at a nearby manufacturer. It's impressive how these clocks have evolved. Nowadays, besides your more traditional cuckoo clocks, you can have the more abstract, modern versions, where the front part of the clock is transparent, allowing the visitor too see through the wood (or metal in this case) and directly at the machine. In the end, Liebi decides to go with a clock that also features a small glockenspiel.

Last but not least, as we climb further into skiing country, we reach the Alternative Zoo for Bears and Wolves. Here the guest feels more like he's in a cage than the animals, that's how much he is actually protected. Primarily, there are bears that used to belong to circuses or other animal-unfriendly business ventures. The wolves are wolves and travel in packs. These animals don't necessarily live in freedom, but I'm guessing their lifestyle beats their slavelike life in captivity before that.

In the end, a successful trip. Six bears, seven wolves, a cuckoo clock, and no carsick kids.