August 2018 - World Chump

Let's say you're in Frankfurt for the weekend, but you are looking for that typical German sightseeing tour. As much as I love Frankfurt, the city hardly exemplifies the Germany I've known all of my life. In fact, just looking at the skyline, you'd think you'd landed in the U.S. or in some Asian metropolis. Fair enough, because that's how Frankfurt was planned and built. Frankfurt's commerce dates back to at least a half millennium, so you can't blame Frankfurt for being slightly beyond the German norm.

That said, let's try something else. In Frankfurt, take a train (or even a rental car, if you insist) to Rüdesheim or Bingen. That's a 30-minute drive on the autobahn, maybe more if there's a traffic jam, a real possibility. From either town, book a 'ring ticket' for 15 euros per person near the ferry. Hop on the ferry in Bingen or Rüdesheim, then get off in Assmannshausen. Here you must resist the temptation of ordering coffee (or even beer) on the ferry, because you will be getting off the boat more quickly than you think. I would simply limit my activities to snapping pictures of the vineyards and castles around the Rhein.

Now, once you land in Assmannshausen, get off the ferry. Liebi and I took our sweet time, since there were still so many photos to shoot, and we nearly failed to get off the boat on time. Once we did, we followed the path toward the Sessellift, or the seat lift, better known as a ski lift. And no, people, there's no skiing in these parts during winter with that rocky terrain, instead just enjoy the view and snap some more photos until you get to the top of the mountain. Liebi and I had to chuckle at all of the items the tourists lost along the way beneath us. At least a half a dozen caps, here and there a water bottle, but, astonishingly enough, no smartphones or wallets. Now if you didn't book the ring ticket and happen to be in good shape, skip the lift and follow the path toward the Niederwalddenkmal, or the monument dedicated to German unity from 1870-1871.

At the top of the hill is a hotel and restaurant, also known as the Jagdschloss, where you can have lunch, if you reached the summit at the right time. If you arrived there earlier, keep walking and follow the signposts toward the Niederwalddenkmal. There are plenty of other sights along the way, in case you were wondering, so it's not just trees on your hike, as nice as they might look. There's a magic cave (Zauberhöhle), the Mauseturm (mice tower, but that's a different story) with a wonderful view of the Rhein Valley, and numerous other sites posted along the way.

Once you've reached the monument honoring German unity, there are several options. One, take a bunch of pictures or selfies. Two, hike toward the ferry in Rüdesheim or wherever the next train station or restaurant happens to be, or, three, take the cable car to Rüdesheim, where a bunch of restaurants and shops await you.

With the ring ticket, you have a ferry ride to Assmannshausen, the lift to the top of the mountain and the Jagdschloss, the ticket for the cable car (Seilbahn) to Rüdesheim, and, in our case, the ferry ride from Rüdesheim to Bingen. 15 euros, right? Worth every cent. If you wish to skip the lifts (hard to do, with those views), then you will pay for the ferry only. Your choice. Either way, you can't go wrong.

Did you know that I haven't even mentioned all of the wine producers in the area yet? Once you take the tour, that will hardly be necessary, because more than half of the landscape will be vineyards. In Rüdesheim, choose your winemaker and enjoy. This is the heart of German wine country. In all, this will take at least half a day. If you're not into hiking, simply take the Loreley trip, a four and a half hour round trip up and down the Rhein. Plenty of wine on board, so fire away.

Questions? There shouldn't be. This is your quintessential Germany tour for the tourist with little time. The perfect weekend tour for the traveler who's landed in Frankfurt.

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One favorite German stereotype of Germany is the Lederhosen-wearing, pretzel-eating, beer-swilling guy who drunkenly bobs his head to the sounds of the tuba playing band, all of this in a cozy beer tent, mind you.

Although this might ring true for a fraction of a fraction of Lower Bavarians visiting the Oktoberfest, people can go ahead and trash everything but the beer-swilling bit. Fact is, Germans, and in particular, Bavarians, are still among the per capita leaders in beer consumption. Not that difficult, when you consider that beer has the official status of nutrition rather than alcohol itself. Let's focus on that a little more in this post.

If you are the prototypical tourist, you want to visit the Oktoberfest, with all of its crowds and mug-carrying dirndl-wearing waitresses, no matter how old it gets. I've been there two or three times, the last time in the 90's, and I can safely say I'll never be going back there.
One, I grew up with a far smaller, but not less appealing version of the Oktoberfest. It's called a wine fest. It's actually spelled Weinfest here in Germany, as a disclaimer, but it is exactly what it reads like: a party or festival celebrating wine. Müller-Thurgau, Riesling, Silvaner, Bacchus there are all types. Dry, semi-dry, sweet, there's something for every palate. The only thing they haven't invented yet is alcohol-free wine, although you can make a strong case that's what they have grape juice for. The reason grape juice isn't as popular? For the same reason coca farmers in Bolivia don't grow potatoes as their main crop. It's just not that profitable.

Having grown up in wine country in Lower Franconia, I've known these winefests all of my life. Every village, and I mean literally every village, has a wine fest, usually sponsored by your local winemakers.

What happens during a wine fest? It really depends on the village or town where it takes place. In a village, you pretty much seal off Main Street, or whatever name it goes by, for a couple of days. You break out rows and rows of benches, up go the vending trailers, and please don't forget the stage.

When it comes right down to it, the wine fest is the excuse for local wine vendors to sell their booze, all in a comfortable setting. Of course, there are several food options to go along with the live music.

Everybody in the village shows up at the wine fest, with very few exceptions: the mayor, the priest, the doctor, the farmer, the town drunk, the village idiot. The wine fest is for everyone.

As for the live music: I've been to wine fests that have hired folk duos, jazz quartets, and four or five piece rock bands. The best wine fests have all the bells and whistles; in other words, there's a 20 piece orchestra with the brass, the background singers, and the accordion. Those are always the most fun.

Think Oktoberfest, with the fine distinction that this isn't happening in a city, and where wine and not beer is imbibed. And the fact that it's the party minus the crowd and less than half the price.

Wine fests usually happen in summer, when the days are long and the sun sets around 10:30 p.m., and it is actually warm enough to sit outside in short sleeves. Needless to say, the wine fest needs to be on the weekend. Start on Friday evening, end on Sunday. Double check your calendar and choose wisely, since your wine fest will most certainly not be the only one happening in Franconia on that weekend. For example, you might not want to have your wine fest on the same weekend as one of the bigger towns or even cities, like Kitzingen or Würzburg. In fact, Würzburg alone has six wine fests alone that I know of every year, and I'm sure even more. The real wine connoisseurs rarely miss those.

One problem: as a tourist, many of these people in the villages might not speak English or your language of choice, so you might want to come armed with a few basic sentences, like how to order wine and food. Aside from that, you're set. I'll still take a wine fest over the Oktoberfest any day.

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Quite a mouthful, isn't it? Let's not even bother with the pronunciation. But put this in your GPS, and you'll see why I'm writing about it. It's another excellent tip for families who would like to get out of the city for the day.

Take the A66 (as in Autobahn) toward Wiesbaden all the way until you take the Exit 11 or 519 (yellow sign), Hofheim. At the exit, take a right so you're heading south along the 519. After about 500 Meters, take a left (the L3366 on your GPS), and drive for a few hundred meters until you reach the L3265. Take a left, look for the parking lot, as well as the sign for the Regionalpark, and you're there. Parking is free. For people without a car, take the S-Bahn to Eddersheim. Might even be a better idea if you'd like to have some cider along the way. The S1 is easily accessible, just take it from the Hauptwache, if you're staying in downtown Frankfurt.

There are hiking trails that stretch out for miles in each direction. You will almost forget that there is actually an autobahn not far from where you are, let alone one of the world's busiest airports.
Near the parking lot, there is a nature center that displays all native animal and plant species. The grounds are well manicured and include a bridge stretching over a pond that is home to hundreds of fish. Next to the pond is a restaurant with plenty of outdoor seating, which you will need after the hours you spend hiking or simply strolling along the grounds.

Cross the bridge, and there is the crown jewel of the park, an observation tower that rises over 100 feet in the air and gives you a great panoramic view of the area, including the thousands of planes landing at nearby Rhein Main International Airport across the Main river. You can see this tower from far away, and it should help you find the park for those who can't work a GPS.

Next to the observation tower are climbing walls with various degrees of difficulty. And don't worry, the occasional hard landing is made soft by the mulch on the ground, so I doubt little more than your kid's feelings will be hurt should he not manage to scale any of the climbing walls.

Less than a stone's throw from the climbing walls, you'll find exercise equipment you can use while the kids burn some energy at the playground. The playground itself has earth moving equipment, so if your kid loves dirt (and most do), this playground simply offers more choices to play with dirt. Add to that the hammocks that are chained around the playground, and you can't go wrong. The parents can either exercise themselves while their kids move dirt, they can drink apple cider at the nearby restaurant, or they can relax in the hammocks. The playground is a pretty sweet deal for a kid, and maybe an even sweeter one for the adults. And of course, admission is absolutely free. This is Europe, after all.

Now if you should be more ambitious and choose to go on a nature hike, there are several guided paths you can take. Two or three take you through the woods, one of them to a horse farm, and all of them will get you the exercise you need, once the kids are over moaning about having to hike in the middle of nowhere.

What's so surprising about the place is that this took a lot of planning to look the way it does now. Imagine the observation tower, the bridge, lake, and playground away, and this could be any place in Germany, that's how normal and insignificant it looks. I can almost see how people planned the whole park. Here's the nature center, pivot, here's where the observation tower should be, here the restaurant, over there the playground. No profit motive, really, just the motivation to preserve nature and give families alternative ways to spend their weekends. The Weilbacher Kiesgruben is actually a quarry that is of little interest, but proves to be a good reference point if you need to find the place.
Spend at least a half day at the park.

For dinner, as an option, go to the XXL Waldgeist Restaurant in Hofheim a few miles away, where the largest schnitzels in the world are served. Although these are more destinations for domestic tourists, I'd like to prefer to think that these are top destinations for families, period.

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World Chump - Wanderlust

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Andrew L.

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