World Chump - Wanderlust

On Easter Sunday, we decide to scale both sides of the Neckar Valley.

For beginners, we need to consider the kids. As much as we would just like to drag them on an all-adult expedition featuring the Renaissance, the War of the Palatinate Succession, and the features of late Romanesque constructions, we realize that this does little to contribute to the overall morale of the family. Luckily, that's what God invented playgrounds and theme parks for.

We decide to take the Mountain Railway all the way up the Königstuhl mountain and pass the Schloss on the way up, which we had already visited the day before. As enticing as the hike all the way to the top of the Königstuhl looks, the weather conditions advise against it. There is a cold drizzle, plus the wind that increases with each meter that we climb with the railway. Our destination is not a mountaintop with the great scenic views of the Neckar Valley, mind you, but a small theme park called Märchenparadies, or fairy tale paradise. 

The Märchenparadies is a medium sized park featuring rides that don't require standing in line. Do you have a coin? Toss it in! Here's a bumper scooter, over there's a train, there a ball spitting machine. My favorite displays are those of the most famous German fairy tales that can be activated with the push of a button. The only liability here is to the international traveler, since all fairy tales are narrated in German, I believe. Again, families with little kids: this is your parachute for moaning and groaning kids who can't appreciate the bitchin' happeningness of the Heidelberg Schloss or merits of the downtown Heiliggeist Church. And as a little treat for adults, you do get a bunch of photo opps once you reach the top of the mountain.

Another thing I have discovered about Heidelberg is that this town, quite possibly, has the finest Lebanese restaurant we have ever dined in, which is remarkable, considering we lived two years in Jordan and enjoyed some very fine dining there. If you've had your fill of brats and schnitzels in Heidelberg, try the Sahara near the market place. What makes them so special? The food, like the Falafel and the Dolmades, tastes light, classy, it's almost like the food melts in your mouth. Major props to whoever the chef is there.

And yet, even with the mountain railway and the most delicious Lebanese food on earth, the highlight still goes to a hiking trail we take once we cross the Neckar. Past the brass monkey statue we hear a choir huddled beneath the gate singing Easter songs (it is Easter Monday, right?). 

After we cross the bridge, we take the Schlangenweg (cross the street; take the first path you see going up the hill), a trail that snakes its way steadily up the hill on copplestone while a high wall flanks both sides of the path. It's places like these that take you back in time, place like these that make Europe so special. The Schlangenweg eventually feeds into the Philosophenweg up the hill, also known as Philosophers' Walk. Up here, you can hike, bike, run, or simply take the best pictures of the city, featuring the Schloss, the river, and the old town itself. If you're going to Heidelberg, don't miss it. Great place for a picnic!

That's Heidelberg for weekenders. I think we're off to a good start here.

For our first travel destination outside of Frankfurt, we choose Heidelberg for the Easter weekend. It's a long weekend, but we don't have a car yet, so we decide to take a train to this famous tourist hotspot in the Neckar Valley.

We travel without suitcases, everyone in the family has one backpack for his/her stuff and a ticket, so we're good to go. We are slow getting out of the gate, as only a few minutes into our trip, the train literally comes to a screeching halt outside Frankfurt. Following a few more bucking and stuttering delays, the train makes it as far south as Darmstadt, where all passengers are asked to disembark. When all is said and done, we lose an hour by the time we reach Heidelberg.

Eager to make up for lost time, we check in and out of the hotel as quickly as you can say Heidelberg Schloss (or Palace), our first destination, and the most prominent symbol of the city. To get there, we hike a steady two miles at an increasing ascent in a cool drizzle, the lush green trees of the surrounding Königstuhl mountain and the glistening cobblestone roads adding tastefully to the experience. 

Few places exemplify German Romanticism like Schloss Heidelberg, the castle now reduced to ruins since the French Army under Louis XIV razed it in the late 17th century. Long an architectural masterpiece of the Renaissance, the castle saw its demolition completed by a pair of lightning strikes nearly a half century later. The whole structure is little more than a shell of its former self, which, quite possibly, contributes to its overall charm. The grounds are still maintained marvelously, and Bash marvels at a couple of non native oxen (yaks, perhaps?) frolicking on the grounds nearby.  

We commit a National Lampoon Family vacation moment by taking a break at a stone bench, which happens to be one of the major tour stops for visitors gawking on autopilot at the numerous monuments inundating the premises. One of the tourists grudgingly wipes the baguette crumbs off the bench before positioning himself for a frontal shot of the stone monument. We sheepishly make room for the guy before finding a more suitable place for our rest stop. 

Even though we easily could have hiked to the cable car station that would have taken us up to Schloss Heidelberg with less hassle, I couldn't resist giving the family an extra workout following the extra hour we had to endure on the train. The kids are none the worse off for it, and we make some stunning shots from and of the castle towering over Heidelberg's old town and the Neckar river below it. It's not hard to see why tourists flock to this place. If they are not interested in the architecture or the history, there are numerous photo ops awaiting them that are simply stunning. 

Upon descending from the Schloss, we take the route through the old part of town and its endlessly long pedestrian zone that features mega corporate stores (Kaufhof, Müller) as well as small shops dedicated to seemingly inconsequential items, like gummi bears or even just muesli. It's a welcome change of pace, just strolling through the pedestrian zone without having to worry about vehicles plowing through you. It's nice to see pedestrians and cyclists being rewarded for leaving the automobile at home for a change. 

After an early dinner, we stop at the protestant Heiliggeist (translated: Holy Spirit) church, which, regrettably, is closed, even on the day before Easter Sunday. Built primarily during the 15th century, this is the one building in town that dominates the Heidelberg skyline beneath the ruins of Schloss Heidelberg lingering in the background behind and above it.     

Despite the Deutsche Bundesbahn's worst efforts, it's a wonderful first day in Heidelberg and a great start to the Easter weekend. The weather pending, we have another ambitious hike planned for the next day.

One building that stands above the rest in Frankfurt -and over all of Germany, for that matter- is the telecommunications tower, also known as the Europaturm (Tower of Europe), located in the district of Bockenheim, slightly north of the downtown area. 

At 331 meters (1,086 feet), only the TV tower of Berlin is higher than Frankfurt's Europaturm, although this is largely due to a higher antenna, not the structure of the building as such. Especially at night, you couldn't miss the Europaturm's conspicuous red light above the turret if you tried. 

The locals never refer to the tower as the Europaturm anymore than the world refers to Elton John as Reginald Dwight or Lady Gaga as Stefani Germanotta. Most common is the nickname 'Asparagus of Ginnheim' (Ginnheimer Spargel), which is misleading, since the building itself is actually in Bockenheim, not the Ginnheim district that is immediately identified with the region north of the Autobahn 66. Even so, people mostly denounce the Asparagus as being little more than a high antenna these days, its status long diminished by satellite technology. Fiber optic cable, not video, killed the radio star, if you will. Even worse, the building itself has been closed to the public since 1999. 

The tower is run by a subsidiary of the Telekom, which runs almost every TV tower in Germany. Telekom itself, of course, is not in the entertainment business, although you can make a hard case that it enables it as much as anybody. Whereas years ago, in the 80's and 90's, the Asparagus hosted a discotheque (the Sky Tower) and a restaurant, the times have changed, since the building was officially labeled as a highrise by the authorties. Translated, this meant that it was subject to highrise laws, most notably those dealing with the nasty 'f' and 's' words, as in fire safety. The inside of the turret was gutted of anything that could even remotely be considered a fire hazard. Personally, I can't think of one thing that could catch fire in a discotheque, can you? (hint: booze, lots of it)

Say bye, bye, public. People now can only wonder what the view from the 227 meter high turret might look like today. My understanding is that the tower only exists as a backup, in the unlikelihood the fiber optic cable network should fail. Such is life for antennas in the 21st century.

Certainly, Telekom says, they wouldn't mind tenants in the tower. Since the place was gutted long ago, this would only translate to an initial investment of, oh, millions of euros. That's quite a startup cost for any business. Add to it that certain modifications would have to be met to satisfy fire safety standards, such as a water and exhaust air supply, a kitchen, plus personnel quarters, not to mention a fire exit. Suddenly, that red carpet rolled out by Telekom looks like some emergency room, where some business just hemorrhaged money on it. 

Poor Asparagus. One day a happening place, the next little more than a ghost town closed to the public. Higher than the Eiffel Tower. Higher than any structure in Germany. Higher than Big Ben, St. Peter's, and the Arc de Triomphe combined. And what do you have? A Disneyworld without the rides, a brewery without the suds, an ocean without a beach. 

Or simply 'tote Hose', as the Germans would say (literally: dead pants), as in nothing. 

When you look at the most populated cities in Germany, Frankfurt on the Main (the river, pronounced 'mine') ranks fifth behind Berlin, Hamburg, Munich, and Cologne. From a regional perspective, the Frankfurt Metropolitan region boasts a population of over five million people, third in the country only to the Ruhr Area and Berlin.

As for overall tourist sites in Germany, you may have heard of the Oktoberfest, the Berlin Wall, Hamburg's Red Light District of St. Pauli, or Cologne's cathedral. Can you name one tourist site of international renown in Frankfurt? Even smaller cities like Heidelberg, Potsdam or Weimar seem to garner more ink than Frankfurt on most travel websites.

And yet, only one city ranks as an alpha world city in Germany...this city, Frankfurt am Main (the river needs to be added, as there is also a Frankfurt on the Oder river in eastern Germany). Munich is the closest to it, ranked as an alpha- (minus) city. Rankings to cities are distributed according (primarily, but not exclusively) to economic status. The highest ranking is alpha++ which, predictably, has only been bestowed upon two cities, New York and London. Is Frankfurt low in the estimations of traveled tourists? Perhaps, but there are other factors that can add to the overall value and status of cities.

Consider that Berlin and Hamburg, Germany's two largest cities are beta+ cities, which should tell you something. What's the answer for Frankfurt? Location, location, location.

Frankfurt is not only centrally located in Germany along the Main and Rhein rivers, but also in Europe and, arguably, the entire world. Frankfurt can reach any continent, save for Australia within a matter of hours.

Frankfurt is unique in other ways in Germany. Whereas in most cities either a church or a TV tower will dominate a skyline, Frankfurt boasts a skyline not unlike most of its U.S. or Asian counterparts, with tall skyscrapers strategically situated along the Main river. It's no coincidence that Frankfurt earned itself the name 'Mainhattan', a nod to America's alpha++ city across the Atlantic.

Of course, Frankfurt has another nickname, that being 'Bankfurt', another similarity to Wall Street driven New York. Located in Frankfurt are the German National Bank, the European Central Bank, and the stock exchange, better known as the DAX. Just as an aside, you'll find the world famous Frankfurt Book Fair (Frankfurter Buchmesse), the Music Fair, and the headquarters of the DFB, the Deutscher Fußball Bund, also known as the powerful German Football Association. Now you know where the alpha status comes from.

There's also the so-called 'Frankfurter Kreuz', the Frankfurt Cross, the most frequently employed Autobahn in all of Europe, with over 300,000 vehicles passing through per day. And beneath the Frankfurter Kreuz, you'll find more than moles and armies and ants going about their business, in this case a fast rail tunnel that connects Frankfurt with Cologne to the north.

Frankfurt's airport, the larger Rhein Main Flughafen, has over 60 million passengers per year, which almost triples the total of Berlin's largest airport, Berlin Tegel. In Europe, only London's Heathrow and Paris's Charles de Gaule claim a larger total.

Aside from that, I can assure you Frankfurt is still a beautiful city, which I will have ample time to write about in the coming months. Mainhattan, Bankfurt...just call it Frankfurt, very likely Germany's most important city.