The Big One and Other Things I’ve Always Wanted to Know about Kathmandu
As a common welcome gesture, every American citizen is debriefed about security in Nepal, the do’s, the don’t’s and the never-in-a-million-years. With Nepal being a country that is listed as ’high in crime’, these are some of the things we’ve been told to be aware of.
1. Crime
It seems that crime becomes more conniving the longer humans insist on living. What is quite common is how people work in ’packs’. For example, one guy will slip his hand down a lady’s pants while his buddies will clean out her handbag. Clever. The same goes for wallets and the accidental ’bumping’ that is so frequent in these parts. There is a very good reason I don’t carry a wallet. There are other business schemes that have relieved unlucky expatriates of thousands of dollars. Like I said, we by no means have a monopoly on elaborate scams in the west, although I am sure Wall Street has a different take on that.
2. Traffic
I have already outlined my first impressions of what traffic is like here, and unless people here actually add carts pulled by water buffalo or flying saucers to the mix, it is unlikely that is going to change. I shall dwell on this subject more in another chapter. What we were not prepared for was what to do in case of an accident: get the hell out of there. Swell, as Dirty Harry would say. The reason for this is that we are encouraged to avoid mobs, street theaters, as they like to call them. Twenty people see twenty different things.
Witness 1: He just stood on the road.
Witness 2: He was not! He was pushing his car out of the way.
Witness 3: I say the white guy did it. He can afford to be guilty anyway.
Witness 4: Nonsense. The water buffalo did it.
etc.
Here we are encouraged to commit hit-and-runs! So what happens if there is an injury? Do you hit the road (preferably the one leading to the Embassy), or help the guy? Better yet, why don’t you do what a lot of Nepalis actually do, which is finish the job? Yep, no need to search for the online English-Greek dictionary, people here actually would want that person whacked, dead, since the settlement in court for a dead person would be considerably lower than if the guy were injured. Boy, I can picture it now. Yin knocks Yang off his bike, scouts the area, quickly puts the clutch into ‘R’ and repeats. Think about what the conversation must sound like at the scene of the accident:
Policeman: The car is virtually untouched. A little dent in the backside, but otherwise…
Accused driver: Yes, strange. But I saw a mosquito fly through the windshield and bite him. The poor man must have died right away.
Policeman: He wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. A witness looked inside and saw that he only broke his leg.
Accused driver: I know, but everything happened so fast. The mosquito bite, gangrene set in, the leg became infected…
Policeman: And he died within the last twenty minutes? From a broken leg?
Accused driver: Vishnu works in mysterious ways.
I think this is one market All State (You’d better be in good hands if you’re only a fender bender away from getting waxed) or Gecko (Save 15% on your funeral?) would not want to venture into, but there is also another reason, and that’s…
3. The Big One
As in earthquake. History says that every seventy-five years a gigantic earthquake, an eight or thereabouts on the Richter has leveled this place. And we are overdue by about eight years! Also, a big one means a big one in Nepal. If the same earthquake happens in, say, L.A., the press will have forests of trees to kill and barrels of ink to waste in order to satisfy our natural bloodthirst for the next day's edition. A few bridges might collapse, a couple of shanties will get knocked over, some rich couple will get royally pissed for losing their good china, a few people might even die in the deal. Three or four days later, it will be back to the box scores in baseball and Lindsy Lohan’s latest girlfriend. Not so in Kathmandu. Here, 75% of the city is expected to be completely destroyed, and that’s almost a conservative estimate. The buildings I have already described look like they have the stability of a giraffe walking on ice. Heck, I just sneezed in this house and heard the windows rattle.
4. Demos
The government being what it is, this should come as no surprise. These demos, also known as ‘bonds’ (still don’t know why; are the protesters juiced? Are they spies? Has Uncle Sam issued bills for them?), is where any group (pick ‘em: the Communists, students, the rich, the poor, the stray dogs) might select a spot to throw tires in the street, set old clothes on fire, and order vehicles to go back where they came from. In such a case, this event is treated like a ‘snow day’, meaning you will very likely have the day off. In fact, schools here allot seven bond days per school year. Bad idea. What if the kids get good at throwing these bond parties? That would be a lot of teachers out of work, coupled with a world record in illiteracy. Check that, I have just learned that the correct spelling is bhands, which means closed. This means the road, of course (and the school and a couple hundred businesses). Negotiate with the protesters at your own peril. What do people protest about? Who knows? High gas prices, sometimes. The government, other times. The reason that they probably are able to raise hell so frequently is probably due to…
5. Unemployment
According to some statistics, the unemployment rate is about 60% here. Funny how we start soiling ourselves in the west whenever it gets dangerously near double digits. To my knowledge, there are no food stamps or unemployment benefits here, which would be a good reason to carry signs in the west. Workers’ rights? No such thing, the worker is never right. The old rubber tire barbecue every week seems a lot more affordable here than making banners and signs.
6. Jumping Spiders
I met one of these little bastards, about the size of a rice kernel, lingering near my water tap in the kitchen. A simple attempt to brush it away sent the little eight legger jumping as if he’d been trained in a flea circus. These little critters have already brought hours of entertainment to my cat.
It seems to me we’re already in for a hell of a party. Crash it at your discretion. But not necessarily your car.
1. Crime
It seems that crime becomes more conniving the longer humans insist on living. What is quite common is how people work in ’packs’. For example, one guy will slip his hand down a lady’s pants while his buddies will clean out her handbag. Clever. The same goes for wallets and the accidental ’bumping’ that is so frequent in these parts. There is a very good reason I don’t carry a wallet. There are other business schemes that have relieved unlucky expatriates of thousands of dollars. Like I said, we by no means have a monopoly on elaborate scams in the west, although I am sure Wall Street has a different take on that.
2. Traffic
I have already outlined my first impressions of what traffic is like here, and unless people here actually add carts pulled by water buffalo or flying saucers to the mix, it is unlikely that is going to change. I shall dwell on this subject more in another chapter. What we were not prepared for was what to do in case of an accident: get the hell out of there. Swell, as Dirty Harry would say. The reason for this is that we are encouraged to avoid mobs, street theaters, as they like to call them. Twenty people see twenty different things.
Witness 1: He just stood on the road.
Witness 2: He was not! He was pushing his car out of the way.
Witness 3: I say the white guy did it. He can afford to be guilty anyway.
Witness 4: Nonsense. The water buffalo did it.
etc.
Here we are encouraged to commit hit-and-runs! So what happens if there is an injury? Do you hit the road (preferably the one leading to the Embassy), or help the guy? Better yet, why don’t you do what a lot of Nepalis actually do, which is finish the job? Yep, no need to search for the online English-Greek dictionary, people here actually would want that person whacked, dead, since the settlement in court for a dead person would be considerably lower than if the guy were injured. Boy, I can picture it now. Yin knocks Yang off his bike, scouts the area, quickly puts the clutch into ‘R’ and repeats. Think about what the conversation must sound like at the scene of the accident:
Policeman: The car is virtually untouched. A little dent in the backside, but otherwise…
Accused driver: Yes, strange. But I saw a mosquito fly through the windshield and bite him. The poor man must have died right away.
Policeman: He wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. A witness looked inside and saw that he only broke his leg.
Accused driver: I know, but everything happened so fast. The mosquito bite, gangrene set in, the leg became infected…
Policeman: And he died within the last twenty minutes? From a broken leg?
Accused driver: Vishnu works in mysterious ways.
I think this is one market All State (You’d better be in good hands if you’re only a fender bender away from getting waxed) or Gecko (Save 15% on your funeral?) would not want to venture into, but there is also another reason, and that’s…
3. The Big One
As in earthquake. History says that every seventy-five years a gigantic earthquake, an eight or thereabouts on the Richter has leveled this place. And we are overdue by about eight years! Also, a big one means a big one in Nepal. If the same earthquake happens in, say, L.A., the press will have forests of trees to kill and barrels of ink to waste in order to satisfy our natural bloodthirst for the next day's edition. A few bridges might collapse, a couple of shanties will get knocked over, some rich couple will get royally pissed for losing their good china, a few people might even die in the deal. Three or four days later, it will be back to the box scores in baseball and Lindsy Lohan’s latest girlfriend. Not so in Kathmandu. Here, 75% of the city is expected to be completely destroyed, and that’s almost a conservative estimate. The buildings I have already described look like they have the stability of a giraffe walking on ice. Heck, I just sneezed in this house and heard the windows rattle.
4. Demos
The government being what it is, this should come as no surprise. These demos, also known as ‘bonds’ (still don’t know why; are the protesters juiced? Are they spies? Has Uncle Sam issued bills for them?), is where any group (pick ‘em: the Communists, students, the rich, the poor, the stray dogs) might select a spot to throw tires in the street, set old clothes on fire, and order vehicles to go back where they came from. In such a case, this event is treated like a ‘snow day’, meaning you will very likely have the day off. In fact, schools here allot seven bond days per school year. Bad idea. What if the kids get good at throwing these bond parties? That would be a lot of teachers out of work, coupled with a world record in illiteracy. Check that, I have just learned that the correct spelling is bhands, which means closed. This means the road, of course (and the school and a couple hundred businesses). Negotiate with the protesters at your own peril. What do people protest about? Who knows? High gas prices, sometimes. The government, other times. The reason that they probably are able to raise hell so frequently is probably due to…
5. Unemployment
According to some statistics, the unemployment rate is about 60% here. Funny how we start soiling ourselves in the west whenever it gets dangerously near double digits. To my knowledge, there are no food stamps or unemployment benefits here, which would be a good reason to carry signs in the west. Workers’ rights? No such thing, the worker is never right. The old rubber tire barbecue every week seems a lot more affordable here than making banners and signs.
6. Jumping Spiders
I met one of these little bastards, about the size of a rice kernel, lingering near my water tap in the kitchen. A simple attempt to brush it away sent the little eight legger jumping as if he’d been trained in a flea circus. These little critters have already brought hours of entertainment to my cat.
It seems to me we’re already in for a hell of a party. Crash it at your discretion. But not necessarily your car.
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